rant? no.

Presumptuous behavior is always, always amusing. Hurtful sometimes, but primarily amusing. This is not a choice. This is trial within a blessing, and we do the best we can with what we've got. When life gives you lemons, etc. I can't expect you to understand, your predicaments are of a different variety altogether. And maybe this is another presumption. But then again, I was never one for revealing myself. Too much.. what's the word for it? There is no English word. Too much khuddari. There comes a point where it is easier to share emotional realities, because then someone can see eye to eye with you. But never when it comes to life. We've spent so much time pretending, that every now and then something/one tugs at our masks, hits us in places we've covered with resolves of iron, but something falls through cracks. Unintended strategy, because you did not mean it, and I know this better than you. Then why this bitterness?

Because, my dear, it's the expectation. The expectation that you will be considerate, that you will be aware and that you will empathize. Nothing more, nothing less. You don't have to reduce yourself to a place no one wants to go to except those who are forced into situations by necessity. Be grateful for what you have, and let others feel content with what they've got, no matter how little it is, and how insignificant it may be compared to your empire. They're trying to make the best of it, and you don't understand what that takes. I wouldn't wish it on you either.

15th December, 2009.

Text message from a good friend asking if I'd checked my admission status, because her friend just got her acceptance letter.
One of the most memorable days of my life. Thank you.

I don't like revenge. I don't like the thought of trying to harm someone to get some sort of fulfillment and feel more pleased about your own existence. I have always, always tried to forgive (but never forgotten), and when things have gone entirely wrong, I have tried to apologize for my mistakes. An apology doesn't mean I am willing to take back what I have done, just by virtue of the fact that I invested too much, without meaning to, into something that has become part of me. I try not to be selfish, but sometimes you decide what is precious to you without even knowing whatever it is completely. Selfishness can arise out of selflessness, isn't that strange?
It doesn't matter what comes of it now, at least I helped.
****

"I sometimes feel so angry that she's dumb."
Look at us now. Look at where you are and what you did and how you made me feel. Remember how you dismissed me, patronized me without meaning to and in subtle ways reminded me of my worthlessness. I remember your bitterness, you attributing all that I have achieved to sheer luck. Never an acknowledgment of my sacrifices, except in passing. Always, always you tried to talk to me about things I did not quite understand then. And I accepted that I would always be less, always the weaker one. You want to talk about free will? Or would you rather discuss spirituality? Or shall we talk about how you made me feel unclean? Because I can do all of that, and I can do more. And you will probably never know how much there is to this, because at each moment I think about you, and every time I read the words you wrote, I feel a strong wave of repulsion. I have forgiven you, because I know better, and because I do not care enough.

Of course you're not worth my time. I will throw you all away because you mean nothing.