Thursday, December 27, 2012

Eff I'm nearly 22.

Isn't it weird and amazing that ...there are too many things that are weird and amazing. As a kid you don't really understand being human. You can't quite grasp the idea of just existing. And then as you grow up, you want to be someone because being just anyone is mediocre and terribly humiliating to your sense of self. As if the bottomless pit that is your lack of self-esteem isn't enough. Growing up, you need some ray of hope to make you believe you aren't just going to be lost in all of this, whatever this is.
Then one day it dawns on you that the getting lost part is a little bit inevitable. As inevitable as your 4 year old self tripping and falling flat your face because you didn't listen to your mother and ran away when she tried to tie your shoelaces. You start becoming used to the idea, even a little comfortable.
Hiding under a proverbial rock doesn't seem so bad anymore. They tell you to take charge of your own life and you realize that you're too scared to even try. Where to from here?
It's not like real life is some wonderful romantic comedy or even close to being a mildly entertaining sitcom (unless you're just observing, in which case, it's a total scream sometimes). Everyone keeps talking about this thing called "the grind" which sounds a little like a huge monster with really big molars waiting to chew any and everything to sawdust- and suddenly, real life seems even less appealing. The questions you ask yourself aren't about what your next move is going to be, but more about what you're going to settle for and whether doing what you love is going to be able to give you the life that you want. After all, if I'm going to be stuck in a rut, I might as well try to make it a pleasant one to live in, no?