Wednesday, August 22, 2012


One of the things I've discovered about myself is that I'm afraid. So is everyone, you might say. And I'm sure you'd be right, but nonetheless, I am afraid. I often find myself thinking quite enviously about the experiences people have by themselves, by just jumping into things and letting them happen. I was never one of those people. Perhaps only when it came to saying what was on my mind, but I still do that.
I've learned how to be scared, to be more careful, to think a million times before I do anything, because I believe that trouble has a way of finding me. And I hate it, because nothing in the world makes me feel older than this. This has a sense of finality, having to think about your actions, making contingency plans and thinking in circles of what ifs. I'm terrified of personal disasters because as much as I try, I don't have a plan B. I don't even have plan A and a half. So I'm scared.
I like to watch people, think about their stories and their lives, unless they make it painfully obvious that they want others to see them. I like to watch myself too. And if you asked me to use one word to describe myself, I would use hesitant. Or unsure. Or uncertain. Maybe indecisive.
But the processes in my mind are a constant back and forth, thoughts bouncing off walls and finally combusting  after I've exhausted them beyond any possible further use.
I've heard being alone isn't that bad, but loneliness scares the absolute fuck out of me. Ask me to travel alone, and I probably won't know what to do. I think I get that from my mother, she's a very cautious woman, and they tell me girls becomes more like their mothers as they grow up.

But I also know I need to stop being so afraid, because if I don't, this will turn into immense regret. And that's even worse.