self destructive? perhaps.

another chapter.

"Ugh, why do I have to be stuck with the awkward girl?"
"Oh her? Her mum committed suicide in 2004. Our sophomore year she started crying in class and had to be taken to counseling services."

So before you think another thought, think of all the stories that make us what we are and how we got here.

homesick.

picture this,
a million souls under
a starless sky next to
waves high, so high and
the shore so quiet

picture this,
this home amongst one too many
twisted alleys and rotting sewage
smells and thick smoke on
your face, your clothes clinging
with a day's grime.

picture this,
the summer monsoon
a little too late, inconvenient
and ugly as soon as it touches
roads the tar falling apart,
late afternoon traffic and acid rain
on skin.

picture this,
the smell of summer and salt,
the warm evening breeze and scents
you find here, just here,
on rooftops as you smoke
a guiltily hidden cigarette.

now picture this,
your soul in that grime,
your heart in those waves and
home in those chaos,
not in this civilized, beautiful valley but
in that debris of too much falling apart
and too little coming back.

picture this, picture this, picture this.

Placing faith in the Eternal.

“No amount of guilt can change the past & no amount of worrying can change the future. Go easy on yourself, for the outcome of all affairs is determined by Allah's decree. If something is meant to go elsewhere, it will never come your way, but if it is yours by destiny, from you it cannot flee.”
Umar Ibn al-Khattab

Que sera, sera, whatever will be, will be.

growing up

.. is the realization that you and those you love will grow up and, more often than not, grow apart. Growing up is learning to deal with it, and growing up is letting go. It is pain, anger, bitterness, acknowledgment, closure and healing, often in the same place and at the same time. It is knowing that what once belonged to you no longer does, and you must learn to let it go. That losing is painful, but you will lose time and again, and you must accept that because in losing you will find new beginnings and chances you never saw before. It is the shock of discovering the all too common knowledge that nothing is forever.

So, growing up is letting go.  Yes.

You are the past that I would rather not recall, so it's ironic that it's you who never changed and now you're stuck. You know what? You don't even know it.
I grow increasingly hesitant to talk about love. The possibility of having it wrenched away almost chokes me into a panic I cannot express.

Allow me a moment to recollect my thoughts. Because we are no longer young, nor innocent. In gaining all that we have now, in achieving these not-so-ordinary successes we've left behind a childhood we cannot get back. What a wonderful mistake to  be thinking of yourself as significant, as mature when you were only just on the brink of it all, quite unprepared for what it would bring. But here you are nonetheless, better prepared for.. yet more unpreparedness, with so much lost and so much to be wistful for. Learning how to cherish anew everything you took granted as a part of yourself, but now it slips away, and now you watch it fade. And here you are, no longer part of this landscape, and it no longer protects you. My point is not a desire to go back, but something quite different..just a degree of comfort. That's what I wish for. But all the same... all the same.