I am trying and trying and trying, every day and every second, but letting go is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I wish it was anger, I wish it was hatred or anything but this feigned indifference that I can't shake off. You were never/are not worth it, and knowing that makes it worse. Sweep it all under the rug, sweep it away until I can ignore that nag in my head, that hole in my heart that was you but now is emptiness. I am trying to fill it, but I am a bad combination of weak and strong, ego and emotion, anger and love- and when I try, it is futile, because everything just gets washed out with the next wave of nostalgia.
There is nothing but a giant cloud of sadness that swallows me and overwhelms me and gnaws away at me. I feel myself falling apart, just falling away, the layers peeling and peeling and peeling, and I am left standing naked under scrutiny, feeling like a roach about to be stepped on, like the entire burden of worthlessness in this world is beginning to crush me and I am making it my own.
I keep talking to a non-existent you, and you never leave because you were never present to begin with. You are everywhere, in my dreams and my thoughts, you are the unspoken, but immensely felt.

Where is the glue to heal my heart?