Y u no give me job?

Quick blurb: I really don't like the fact that potential employers will be able to utilize the magical powers of GOOGLE to find out everything (or most) things there might be to know about me on the internet. And by that I am in no way admitting to engaging in shady activities on the www, I am merely suggesting that at times....okay who am I kidding, my point is I am shamelessly, blatantly, quite proudly politically incorrect/culturally insensitive in about 75% of my interactions with people (most of which take place on Facebook).
Now social media is a lovely, lovey thing. God knows what I would do without Mr. Zuckerberg tricking me into believing that the internet is a wonderful place and it is good for me to have random third parties go through information I voluntarily post on Facebook under the impression that only my "friends", yes all 477 of them, are able to read it. It also doesn't help that unlike the really "cool" individuals who happen to be on Facebook because it's just convenient to be on it, and basically just use it to reply offhandedly (and that too on occasion)to something that may have been posted on their walls, I use Facebook religiously. I reply to everything. Everyone always knows what I'm doing. Or not doing, for that matter. No one gives a flying fuck about where I was/what I did/who I was with, but after I volunteer the information myself and invite people to start getting interested in my life, I sit and whine about how people are stalking me. People sometimes don't like my status updates because they don't want a barrage of notifications when I start talking to someone on my status updates. Because we're too lazy to "write" on each other's walls, you see.
And what about appearing offline on Facebook chat? Oh, forget about it. I tried it for a while, but I have no intention to be like the cool kids. Who will probably have jobs later on in life, unlike me, because my all in good fun wit will probably not go down well with a future employer who will spend about two seconds going through my Facebook profile before realizing that sanity is a facade I put on rather well. (Before you ask what makes me think I will be important enough for someone to go through my profile, I will answer that for you too. I'm not. But I've been told that employers like to be aware if they're hiring someone who might have even the slightest chances of being carted off to the loony bin at any point in the near future. For me that probability is, in all likelihood, rather high.)
The most I can hope for is to have really rich friends who will allow me to live in their house and be their manager/secretary/assistant/receptionist. Kind of like that girl who's Khloe Kardashian's assistant. Wait, my bad, she quit after whining about how she's not happy to be mooching off her insanely rich best friend and her insanely rich athlete husband. You know what I call people who do that? Ungrateful.She even had a WikiPage. How many of us have one of those? Despite the fact that I am splattered all over the internet for the most inane and obscure of reasons (I reiterate, this does not mean I am a sketchball. I am so unabashedly sketchy that I can't even be classified as shady anymore. What do you do with a person who is so openly weird?), I don't have a Wikipedia page. And that hurts. It really, really does.